Dear European Culture Capital 2009 Linz Visitors! Dear Artists, Performers and Exhibitors! For your own protection and in order to make your stay in our beautiful city as pleasant as possible, we would like you to take this Code of Conduct to heart!
–We urge you not to wear any kind of masks or disguises, for example hats or other kinds of head covering, sunglasses or corrective eyewear, as well as all forms of dark clothing – this could lead to unexpected reactions from the local authorities, such as a thorough thrashing followed by arrest or indictment.
–In general we request that for your own protection you take great care of your appearance. Long or colored hair is explicitly unwanted (for consequences, see above). Instead we recommend wearing the attire of a neo-Nazi or of a football hooligan, in this manner you are guaranteed to avoid any difficulties.
–Participating in permitted rallies or assemblies that have not been forbidden is forbidden (for consequences, see above).
–Should you accidentally suffer injury from a cloud of irritant or tear gas, simply keep moving: The Linz Police Department is currently conducting a mass-fumigation campaign against the pig flu, for all of our safety. Should individual viruses survive, they will be crushed with billy clubs directly on the infected persons (this can in the process result in shouts like “Du linke Bazille!” – do not interpret this as meaning ‘lefty germ,’ it is an expression that simply means ‘sneaky.’)
–If you conform to a democratic or even an anti-fascist mindset, then keep quiet about it (for consequences, see above), the best thing would be for you to break this unpleasant habit, cold turkey.
Dear Visitors, Artists, Performers, and Exhibitors, as you can see, with small compromises and some understanding for our local culture, nothing stands in the way of your amusement in Linz! We wish you a pleasant neck or leg break!
Committee for Trouble-Free Linz Enjoyment